Tonight I’m going to a party. Fun, yes? Well to be honest I’m not sure
If you’d have asked me last year- well make that two years ago about the host, S, I would have said she’d was my best friend. Not my oldest friend, that would be C or F but this was the person I felt I could be myself around more than anyone. We had plenty of drunken nights out, weekends away, phone calls and texts with running commentary while watching Corrie or Eastenders.
Then almost two years ago my Mum passed away. That night S was away in Capital City for work and I rang and rang to talk to her but she didn’t have her phone with her. Not her fault I know and eventually I got hold of her. I knew logically she couldn’t come back I’m not that silly but I wanted my friend. She also couldn’t come to the funeral because of work which really hurt, its still does to be honest but some things can’t be controlled. When she came to see me a few days later it was like she didn’t know what to say, she didn’t sympathise with my Dad and I felt didn’t handle things well- unlike my other friends who in my opinion were really there when I needed them.
I told her all this and we talked about it and I thought moved on. But now I don’t think I did. When it was coming up to the one year anniversary I thought to myself “I’ll wait and see does she say anything” It was like I was testing her. I will admit to being a bit immature and snappy- in my defense I was having a hard time. This wasn’t helped by a friend of hers having moved over here and me feeling a bit left out- I know, I know childish.
On the day of the anniversary I heard nothing- everyone else text me, I had cards from people in work, got taken out to lunch but it looked like S had failed my test. I didn’t text her cos in my mind- why the hell should I?. My birthday rolled around a few days later (tough timing huh?) and again no text. However that afternoon I received a lovely bunch of flowers from her. I realised I was being silly and text her to say thanks and…. nothing back. I tried again later… nothing. The next day I got a text back but got the distinct impression that S was also annoyed with me. But I was the injured party right?
Rather than talking about it I sent an email outlining how I felt about things, we had a bit of a to-do and I thought the air had been cleared. Then we didn’t talk for 5 months. How did that happen? You know- I’m still not sure. It was stubbornness, not communicating properly and a lot of other things. I was dealing with a lot of stuff and couldn’t process it.
What I will say at this point is this is one side of the story, if you spoke to S you may hear a different version, this is my take on things, I’m not saying I’m totally in the right.
Anyway, in November I cracked, I text I emailed and then we spoke on the phone. I took a lot of responsibility (maybe too much) and we met up. Things were a bit awkward but I thought we were back on an even keel. We exchanged xmas presents. The texts and calls were a bit less, we were busy, S had some new friends but we were friends.
Anyway since Christmas I think we’ve seen each other once, we text, IM or call each other the odd time. Sometimes it feels like old times, sometimes it doesn’t. Now tonight we have this party. Its her birthday party and on her card I told her I will alway be her friend and I hope we can get back what we had. That may sound clingy but I’m going to be honest I miss my friend, I miss my old life. Maybe we’ve gone too far and can’t get back the friendship we had. Maybe I deserve better. I have had a bad attitude to a lot of things, that attitude has been somewhat readjusted in the last while. We’ll just have to see what happens
So I’m off to the party tonight, I have a new dress, a present and a bottle. C is coming along with me. There will be people there I don’t know. I’m nervous, part of me doesn’t want to go but go I will and if this friendship had bitten the dust I’ll live but I hope it doesn’t come to that.